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The Big Conversations You Should Have Before Getting Married
Getting married is one of the biggest transitions you are likely to have in your entire life. Even if you’re already living with a partner, doing it to stay with them for the rest of your life and establish that life together is a big deal. There are a lot of implications for the future that it involves and before you invest that time and trust in someone, it’s important to make sure that you have all of the important conversations already taken care of. So, what are some of those important conversations? In this post, as part of our wedding guides, we delve into these difficult conversations you should have before getting married.
Know Why You Want to Get Married
Before anything else, it’s vital to understand why each of you wants to get married. Marriage is a deeply personal decision, and while there are many reasons couples choose to take this step, it’s important that your motivations align. Are you getting married because of societal expectations or pressure from your family, or is it because you genuinely believe marriage will enhance your partnership? Some people view marriage as a formal, lifelong commitment, while others see it as a legal or religious institution. Discussing your motivations openly helps ensure that both partners are on the same page, heading into marriage for the right reasons, rather than out of obligation or to fulfill external expectations.
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Whose Career Gets Prioritized?
In today’s fast-paced world, careers play a significant role in many relationships. Before getting married, it’s essential to discuss how each of you envisions your professional life unfolding, and whose career will take priority if circumstances call for one partner to make sacrifices. This can include conversations about relocating for a job, taking time off for children, or whether either partner is willing to support the other’s career ambitions at the expense of their own. Some couples find themselves in situations where career opportunities or challenges require one person to compromise. Understanding each other’s career goals and how these might align or conflict helps prevent resentment later on. Additionally, discussing long-term aspirations can clarify expectations around balancing work and personal life.
Can You Handle Disagreements Well?
No relationship is free from disagreements, and how a couple manages conflict is often more important than how often they fight. Before getting married, it’s important to evaluate your conflict resolution skills as a couple. Do you both handle disagreements in a constructive, respectful manner or do arguments tend to escalate into personal attacks? Can you both apologize and forgive after a conflict? Are you able to listen to each other’s perspectives without judgment? Marriage requires strong communication, especially during difficult times. A willingness to address issues calmly, listen actively, and work through problems without placing blame will be crucial to maintaining a healthy and enduring partnership.
Whether You Want Children
One of the most important conversations you can have before getting married is about children. Talk about whether you want children, how many, and when is a topic that should be addressed long before marriage to avoid future heartache or misunderstandings. One partner might have always dreamed of having a large family, while the other might prefer a child-free life. These are major, life-altering decisions that need to be aligned for the relationship to flourish. Beyond the question of whether to have children, it’s important to consider the timing. Do you want to have kids soon after marriage, or would you prefer to wait? Discussing your expectations and any potential challenges—such as fertility issues or career considerations—will help you approach this life decision with clarity and shared understanding.
How You’re Going to Parent Those Children
Once the decision to have children is made, the next big conversation revolves around how you’ll raise them. Parenting styles vary widely, and disagreements over how to discipline, educate, or care for children can become significant sources of tension in a marriage. Before getting married, it’s crucial to discuss how you envision parenting. Will one of you take on a more traditional role, such as staying at home with the kids, or will both of you continue to work? How do you plan to approach discipline, education, and religious upbringing? Aligning your parenting philosophies will help ensure that you’re on the same page when it comes to making critical decisions about your children’s well-being and future.
How You Include Each Other’s Family
Family dynamics play an important role in marriage, and it’s crucial to discuss how you’ll navigate relationships with each other’s families. While marriage unites two people, it often brings together two extended families as well. How involved will each partner’s family be in your life? How do you plan to celebrate holidays, and how will you handle any potential conflicts or differences in family traditions? Another important topic is setting boundaries with in-laws and extended family. Some families may have a tendency to be overly involved, while others may be more distant.
How Will You Handle Money?
Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in a marriage, so it’s essential to address this topic early on. How will you manage finances as a couple? Will you merge your finances entirely, keep separate accounts, or use a combination of joint and individual accounts?
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How do you each feel about saving versus spending, and what are your financial goals for the future? It’s also important to discuss any existing debts, such as student loans, credit card debt, or mortgages, and how you plan to manage them as a couple. Being open about your financial situation, and establishing a plan for managing money together, can help you avoid misunderstandings and build a strong financial foundation for your marriage.
How will you handle money issues? Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.com
Do Your Principles Align?
Shared values are a crucial component of a successful marriage. Before getting married, it’s important to discuss your core principles and beliefs to ensure that they align. This includes not only personal values but also broader issues such as religion, politics, and moral beliefs. Do you share the same views on social or political issues? There can be serious fights between couples about politics. If you don’t share the same views, are you comfortable with each other’s differences? How will you handle potential disagreements when it comes to raising children with religious or political beliefs? Alignment on values helps build a strong, unified vision for your life together, ensuring that both partners are committed to the same principles and moral compass as you move forward.
Should You Include a Prenup?
While prenuptial agreements can be a sensitive topic, it’s important to have an open conversation about whether you should include one before getting married. A prenup isn’t just for protecting wealth, it can also address issues like debt, inheritance, and the financial responsibilities of each partner. If one or both partners have significant assets, debts, or children from previous relationships, working with a prenup attorney can help clarify expectations and provide peace of mind in case of divorce. Discussing a prenuptial agreement doesn’t mean you expect the marriage to fail. Rather, it’s a way to protect both parties and ensure that financial matters are addressed transparently and fairly from the start.
If you have no idea about prenups – watch this video:
Ensuring Work-Life Balance
Work-life balance is a common challenge for many couples, and it’s important to discuss how you plan to manage it in your marriage. Will both of you be pursuing demanding careers, or will one partner focus more on home life? How will you ensure that you have enough time for each other and for any future children? Maintaining a healthy work-life balance requires intentional effort and communication. It’s important to discuss each partner’s career ambitions, how you’ll divide household responsibilities, and how you’ll prioritize time together amid the demands of work, family, and personal interests.
Creating a Shared Vision of the Future
One of the most important conversations you can have before marriage is about your long-term goals and vision for the future. What do you want your life to look like in five, ten, or twenty years? Do you both share the same aspirations for homeownership, travel, or retirement? What are your expectations for your relationship and family life as you grow older? Creating a shared vision helps ensure that you’re both working toward the same goals and dreams, rather than pursuing separate or conflicting paths. This shared vision provides a roadmap for your marriage, guiding your decisions and helping you navigate the inevitable changes and challenges that life brings.
The Type of Wedding You Want
Finally, before getting married, it’s important to discuss the type of wedding you both envision. While this may seem less significant compared to other topics, your wedding day is a symbolic beginning to your marriage, and both partners should feel happy and excited about how it unfolds. Do you want a large, traditional ceremony with family and friends, or would you prefer a small, intimate gathering? What is your budget for the wedding, and how do you want to prioritize different elements such as venue, food, and entertainment? Planning a wedding can be stressful, but having open discussions about your preferences and expectations will help ensure that you both enjoy the process and create a day that reflects your shared values and personalities.
Think about anything else you might need to bring up or to ask, before the big wedding day. You might already have plans in your head and you don’t want to get in the way of them, but it’s always better to clear the air and find agreement before saying ‘I do’ than trying to do so after.
